Let's Be Real Here..

    I will never quite understand people's tendency to make every little thing a disaster. If it isn't one thing, it's another. I have spent far too long dealing with idiotic drama and getting myself and others into trouble. It really isn't worth it in the scheme of things. Teenagers are just far too good at torturing one another. If it isn't about romance, it's about oh, I don't know - EVERYTHING! We can't seem to just be at peace with one another for any longer than a month or so. It troubles me greatly. I just watched a very good friend of mine get hurt. It was something we all predicted and warned him about, but his heart was elsewhere and so he did what he felt was right. I often find myself in this position. I really do see the writing on the wall lots of the time. People just don't read it when I point it out to them.

      Love is a crazy thing. It seems to be always predisposed to failure. There are very few circumstances I'm aware of where it just clicks, where everything falls into place and stays there without disturbance. It would be charming to experience that kind of love. Unfortunately, at this age, that kind of love is very rare. It really is best to find this sort of thing when you're young and beautiful, filled with ambition; but sometimes, sometimes you just aren't ready, I'm afraid. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that all things come when they are supposed to. Given these beliefs of mine, I guess my friend was not meant to find someone to love at this moment in his life. I guess I'm not meant to find someone either. It can't be all about my cynicism, or my weight, or the fact that I'm too intelligent for some...I mean, if Socrates had a wife, if the heaviest man in the world can fall in love with someone and get married and be happy, if the great geniuses of the world were able to snuggle with someone at night - so can I, can't I? 

      Optimism is hard to keep up, as is motivation. I wish there was some sort of pill I could take so that I'd never stop being positive and never stop being motivated to accomplish the things I so desperately wish to. I'm less motivated than an elephant stuck in quicksand. I have the ability to do the things I wish to do, I just can't bring myself to do it and keep it up. Consistency is the key! I suppose I'll have to make myself a mantra. 

      Completely changing topic, the holidays are coming up, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years - what fun...not. This year is going to be ridiculously painful for all my family - given that we're missing two. My mom told me yesterday (and only because I ASKED) that we are going to be spending Thanksgiving at my step-grandma's house. Naturally, I flipped out. It's really funny (and by funny I mean depressing) that my last Thanksgiving while I'm living at home is going to be all changed and bizarre. My mom felt really bad about the whole thing, she even said we could have two Thanksgivings (one at Anita's and one here) but that felt even more bizarre to me so I told her not to worry about it. It's only quasi-important y'know - my sweet, impish, childlike smile on Thanksgiving Day as I watch the parade in my pajamas...nothing to be remembered or cherished or anything, not at all. Regardless, dealing with the holidays will be an experience. I think it's going to reopen the only partially healed wounds that we all have. However, in opening them I think these holidays will allow them to truly close up and heal for good. Nothing like a good sob to really make everything fall into place. I'm not being sarcastic.

Well, off to conquer a FULL week of school. We get report cards tomorrow. Lawd mo' drama!!